Saturday, December 8, 2007

Salamanders don't have irons

Today has been freakishly warm. 70 degrees or some such craziness. I saw two salamanders on the street. They were moving slowly, waking up to their temporary spring. It's not good for salamanders to wake up in December. It gives them a really strange feeling of unrest, like they left the iron on and can't even find it to turn it off because...well salamanders don't have irons* so you can imagine how discombobulating it must be.

I felt a little the same since I had decided to buy my Christmas tree today. I was sweating by the time I got it into the house and it just didn't feel like the holidays in shorts with the windows wide open. In the future, like next year, we will all celebrate winter holidays by sipping lemonade** in lawn chairs while we roast fresh salamander over an open tar pit. Global warming is starting to freak me out.

I'm still using my whole oven when I want to make one piece of toast.

* Salamanders do not have irons because they do not have clothes or linens. It is not some sort of choice they make to reduce their carbon footprint.

** 'Lemonade' is what we will euphemistically term cool glasses of 'acid rain'.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

It's all relative

Top ten worst things I've heard in the last month:

10) We only have one tube of TGFβ

9) I just saw someone having sex in the park.

8) It appears that, since your neighbor moved in, we have been charging you for her electric bill and vice verse.

7) Your power has been disconnected.

6) Did you authorize 21 charges for $5.06 over the last three days?

5) He finally admitted to me that he did sleep with _____ so I cried for like, one week, and tonight I'm packing up all of his things.

4) I'm not really cut out for anything other a platonic bosom-buddy thing.

3) It will just be a small laser inserted in your anus.

2) There was a fire, barn burned down, all the pigs are gone.

1) While he's taking a nap, I just wanted to let you guys know that he has cancer.

Top ten best things I’ve heard in the last month:

10) I’ll split it with you.

9) It wasn’t anybody I knew.

8) It looks like it will work out in your favor. On average you over paid about $10 each month. You can probably expect a large credit given back to you.

7) Since we never managed to actually disconnect your power we’re not going to charge you anything extra.

6) We will be crediting $385.00 back to your account

5) I’m really doing well now and I can’t wait to see you soon. We make plans okay?

4) Well, it doesn’t matter what he said because I think you’re amazing.

3) There is no blood in your stool.

2) I love you.

1) We found out that they caught it really early so that’s the best news we could have.